One Step Forward, Two Backstrokes
by GiggleSnortCharade
Summary: Cuddy convinces House to take swimming therapy-on one condition... She has to attend too! Post Season 5. Huddy, OOC-ness. Hilarity guaranteed.
1. Seriously

**Hi and thanks for clicking on this. Um, I wrote this for my own amusement... And, actually, this was going to be like, a dream House has while he's in Mayfield, but this seemed more..fun. Please try to enjoy. xD**

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"You can't be serious."

"Oh, I think I can." They stood, as they usually did when engaged in a vicious battle of wits and will, Cuddy behind her desk, House leaning on his cane in the middle of her floor. In her hands was a colorful brochure. On it was a picture of a large swimming pool with glistening water, and fat white words saying "New Jersey Physical Rehab and Fitness Program: Therapeutic Swimming!" After two seconds of being in her office, he spotted the pamphlet and reacted just as she knew he would.

"House, this could be great for your leg! Swimming exercises the muscles in ways that walking can't. It will help you!"

"Here and I thought I thought I was the crazy one, but _apparently_ it must be _you _that needed to go to Mayfield. How could you think for even a minute I would ever throw on a pair of elastic shorts and flap around like a drowning animal in a pool full of people who either can't count to ten or want everyone to pity them because of their cancer or other disease they might have?"

Cuddy's mouth twitched. Her eyes narrowed. "Look, House. You're deflecting because you don't think you can do this. You think you can't swim, or that you'll make a fool of yourself. You just don't want to do this because it would be embarrassing."

"Of course that's why I don't want to do it!" His voice was loud, angry. House's eyes focused on hers, boring into her soul like some sort of drill. "You don't have any idea what it felt like to be there, Cuddy. That-" He threw his hand out, motioning to the idea of Mayfield, "That hell-hole was the lowest I've ever been. Not even when I realized that our sex was a trick of my mind was as bad as being there for three months." As soon as the words flew out of his mouth, he knew he had said too much. She flushed deeply, but still stared at him with the same amount determination.

"The last thing I want to do is make a fool of myself _again._ Besides, we both know no amount of therapy is going to get-" he motioned towards his right leg spitefully, "this damn limb to start working again."

Cuddy walked to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. She looked at him with wide, earnest eyes. "You did it, House. You went to Mayfield and you got better, and you detoxed from Vicodin, and.." House looked down at her, amused.

"And what? That's living proof anything is possible?" She tilted her head away from his, her bangs falling over her eyes, and faced him again. She brushed her hair back into place and heaved a sigh. He could tell she was pulling out the big guns of her persuasive argument. Her secret weapon. House waited.

"I… I'll attend them with you. I'll do everything you do, every stupid lap around the pool and every embarrassing stretch. Maybe then you could focus on making a fool of me instead of wallowing in self pity."

He was visibly taken aback, his eyebrows hitched high on his forehead and leaning away from her. She knew he was suppressing an immature grin. "Seriously?"

Cuddy dipped her head low, cursing her life with every ounce of hate she could muster, and nodded. "Seriously."

His laughter bounced against the walls of her office, the unfamiliar sound seeping through into her assistant's workspace, causing the young blonde to look up, surprised at hearing such a sound.

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**Thanks for reading! And, so.. yeah. Do me (and the world) a big favor and review to tell me how I should be beaten senceless for writing this. **


	2. Conversations

**Hello and welcome to the second installment of this ridiculous story! I would like to thank you all for your reviews. They made me warm and fuzzy on the inside. Seriously. Thanks. C: And please enjoy!**

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Wilson sat and stared in wonder. He sat on the opposite side of the PPTH cafeteria, and had been craning his neck for a better look ever since the two entered together some minutes ago. They were sitting together. And… talking. Not nicely, seeing as that would be physically impossible with House, but Cuddy didn't look like she was fantasizing about going Viking on his jugular with the plastic spork in her hands. Okay, maybe a little, but still, he was amazed nevertheless.

He watched intently as Cuddy flipped open… something, a card? No, a brochure. She pointed to a part in it, and looked up at House. She says something and He looks frazzled. He leans back and replies, and she frowns. Wilson didn't even know what they were talking about, but he knew that House didn't like it and was deflecting. Cuddy said something else and House sat up, intrigued.

And then the conversation switched, with Cuddy being the uncomfortable one and House taking control. He said something and she squirmed slightly in her seat, fidgeting with her salad. The scruffy man continued to advance on his position over the topic, and Wilson could see Cuddy breaking. Finally she dipped her head in defeat and said something. House stood up abruptly and bid her farewell, waggling his eyebrows before practically prancing off.

Wilson furrowed his brow as he looked at Cuddy, who was resting her head in her hands. He sat for a little while longer before curiosity finally took over and he practically darted out of the cafeteria. He needed to know what the hell was going on, and he needed to know now. It was time to talk to House.

Halfway to the second floor, it occurred to the man that House was going to him, and he made a beeline to his office. Wilson made it to his chair and flipped open the nearest file on his desk when he heard his friend approach, singing.

"She wore an itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie yellow polka-dot bikini!" Wilson screwed his face up, amused at the sound. "That she wore for the first time today!" His door flew open, revealing a very smug House.

Wilson opened his mouth to ask, and was cut off by his friend. "We're going shopping for swimwear after work."

"_What?" _

House couldn't help but grin at his friend's befuddled expression. "Cuddy and I. Swimwear. As in, for water. Usually pools or oceans, though you can obviously infer that they're going to be for a pool, because the ocean around here tends to be a little chilly in September." House flopped down in the chair across from Wilson's desk, watching his friend purse and unpurse his lips, face crumpled and confused.

"_Why?"_

House frowned slightly. "She's going to attend 'therapeutic swimming' classes with me."

Wilson had to laugh.

"Seriously?"

House sat back, taking in his friend's reaction. "That's what I said."

"You're going to take swimming classes?"

"_Therapeutic _Swimming classes. With Cuddy. Keep up with me, Jimmy-boy!"

"Wait. Cuddy got you to take Therapeutic Swimming classes? _How_?"

"Perhaps you missed the 'with Cuddy' part of what I just said. Have you seen the woman? I'd lop off my leg to see her in a bikini."

"No you wouldn't."

"No I wouldn't. But I don't have to, do I? I Just gotta stand around in a pool 'n look pretty, and enjoy the view." House made an exaggerated curvy outline with his hands, waggling his eyebrows like he did in the Cafeteria.

Wilson paused. He had a hunch that there was another reason House was actually going to do this.

"I thought it would be a little awkward for you to be around Cuddy? After… You know?"

House grinned wryly.

Wilson gaped.

"Unless… Unless you're going to try to make your hallucination a reality." House continued to stare at his friend, smiling. "That's it, isn't it? You like her! You're doing this because you think you can somehow get her to be in a relationship with you!"

House stood and walked over to him, patting the man on his head in mock affection. "You think too much." he offered another evil grin and left, leaving a flabbergasted Wilson staring at his closed door.

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**So there you have chapter two! I was thinking about including the shopping in this chapter, but I'll keep these short and sweet. Please review! **


	3. Shopping

**Hey hey hey! It's chapter three! Thank you guys so much for the lovely reviews! I feel so loved! This chapter is longer, just as you guys whined for, haha. Please enjoy!**

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House leaned back into the leather seats of Cuddy's car, fiddling with anything he could get his hands onto. He was currently hitting the windows up-windows down button on and off, taking immense pleasure in the sound of Cuddy starting to get annoyed, visualizing her emitting a boiling-teapot whistle and have steam shoot out of her ears. She tapped her nails on the steering wheel, keeping her eyes on the road. "Can you please stop that?"

"Depends. Would you be more or less pissed if I messed with the radio or the air conditioning instead?"

"You're just trying to get back at me for not letting you take us there on your motorcycle."

House scoffed, "Huh-yeah! This car is ridiculous. Child-proof doors, seatbelts, and airbags all around? I mean, the whole thing screams 'I'm desperate to be a soccer mom'."

Cuddy heaved sigh. "As opposed to the death-trap on wheels? How many times have you wrecked it, again? And roll up the damn window, my hair's flying everywhere."

He obliged, all the while mimicking her in a high-pitched voice, then reaching towards the radio, only to have his hand swatted down. They were at a red light, and Cuddy took advantage of the time to shoot the nastiest glare humanly possible at the man.

"This is not a game."

He merely grinned, and when the light turned green, the radio blasted to life. Cuddy frowned deeply as House messed with the dial, causing a nasty static-y sound to merge with the occasional music station that he never let play for more than five seconds. What the hell was she thinking, getting herself into all of this? She frowned deeper. She knew exactly what she was thinking. She was thinking that with the time she spent with him, he would somehow open up to her and show that he had changed thanks to his trip to Mayfield, and that he realized how much he wanted a relationship with her. _Ha-ha_, she laughed inwardly, her conscious sounding very sour, _keep dreaming_.

----

Ten agonizing minutes later, her red Acura TL pulled into the parking lot, purposefully passing up all the good spots, and setting for a nice sixty or so yards away. House gaped at her.

"That is just plain cruel."

She offered only a sly smile as she opened her door and slipped out. He stared after her as she continued about halfway to the store, and paused, looking back. House heaved a sigh. _This is going to be one hell of a shopping spree_, he thought bitterly as he heaved himself out of the car.

----

"Let's shop for you first." House huffed a "Whatever" as Cuddy started off towards the men's section. He took the moment away from her lean against the wall of the shop, breathing heavily. His fingers twitched, instinctively wanting to reach into his pocket to get his capsule of Vicodin. _Old habits die hard_, he thinks as he shakes his head and pushes past the pain to follow her.

Cuddy was standing at a particular rack of swimming trunks, board shorts, sifting through them, looking for his size. He felt oddly nostalgic at the sight. "Can I have some shorts with flames on them, mommy?" He snorts as she gives him a dry look and pulls out a dark green pair, holding them out to him expectantly.

"Here."

House stared at the article of swimwear like it was an extra-terrestrial object. His leg burned at the sight of it. He looked away and scanned for something else, anything else.

"You think they have wetsuits here?"

She screwed up her face. "House, we're taking swimming classes in a five-foot deep pool, not surfing lessons in the Pacific."

He offered only a scoffing sound. Her eyes caught sight of his hand twitch towards his thigh. Pity flooded through her and she banished it as quickly as it came. She placed the board shorts back on the rack and cleared her throat. "They have some , um, jammers near the back." Cuddy bustled off again, flushing. Of course he wouldn't want loose swim shorts. They would roll up in the water and show his scar.

----

One pair of streamlined black jammers later, the duo were roaming around the women's section. House was soaking it all up, mind swarming with so many inappropriate thoughts as he eyeballed several rather provocative looking bikinis. Cuddy knew very well he was enjoying himself, and didn't really care what he thought as long as he wasn't talking.

She was examining a nice ruby-colored one-piece when an employee came over. "Hi! I'm Cherry, the assistant manager here at Splash Suits. Can I help you with anything?" Cherry flipped her platinum blonde hair out of her eyes as she offered her best employee smile. She looked to be about twenty, probably in college. Cuddy fought not to scowl at her choice of clothing (a tank top and short shorts, of course.)

"Oh, no, thank you. I'm fine here."

"Okay then, I'll be in the front if either of you need me," Cherry said, and sneaked a look at House that made something ugly bubble in her chest. The trampy girl offered a smile and left, swinging her hips purposefully. House let out a slow exhale.

Cuddy turned sharply and snatched the one piece, huffing her herself.

"Hey!" House called out suddenly stopping the assistant manager, and causing the other customers to turn in their direction, "Do you guys have monokinis?" He made a show of pointing at his employer and winking. Cuddy thought her cheeks would catch fire. "_House!" _She cried out, but she was cut off.

"Actually, we do." Cuddy fought back the urge to choke. Cherry had made her way over to them yet again.

"They're in the back." Cherry used such a voice that she could have said anything and it would have sounded irresistibly sexy.

"But, I don't know if they come in sizes that, uh," Cherry shot a disapproving glance at Cuddy's hips, "_large."_

Cuddy's jaw hit the floor. House frowned. "So they only come in size anorexic? Which, I'm guessing by the way you're smacking your spearmint gum, is what you wear, little-miss I-stick-my-fingers-down-my-throat?" Cherry's eyes flashed with something along the line murderous intent. She pursed her lips and said, her voice a void of any emotion,

"Again, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask." She wheeled around and muttered loud enough for the two to hear, "Bastard."

Cuddy turned around again, submerging herself into browsing the swimwear, trying hard not to let House see the smile plastered on her face.

----

"Cuddy, you have _five_ suits picked out," House whined to his boss through the stall of a changing room, "And not one of them is a bikini!"

"Quit whining and hand me one of them already." Her clothes were draped over the door and House could see her high heels sitting neatly to the side of the stall, and her bare feet if he leaned over and craned his neck. _It's a shame they don't have mirrors on the floors_, he thought sadly. He held up a skimpy bikini and grinned to himself. _I guess this will just have to do._

Cuddy huffed in annoyance as House took forever to hand her the first suit. She glanced into the long mirror on the inside of the stall door and admired her nude figure, then frowned slightly and turned to examine her ass. _It's not that big, is it?_ Before she could contemplate her rear size, her eyes caught sight of her clothes disappearing! By the time she had turned around, not even her bra was hanging over the stall door.

"House! What the hell are you doing!?" She could hear him laugh from the other side of the door. "Give me my clothes back, you son of a bitch!"

"Okay."

She could not believe her eyes when an impossibly tiny two-peice was thrown over the door. She caught it, glaring incredulously at the door and shaking her head slowly.

"Try this on, first."

"You've got to be kidding."

"Think of it as payback for making me walk half a football field in the parking lot."

"You're a pig!"

"I know. Don't forget to let me see when you're done."

Cuddy thought her teeth would surely crumble by how hard she was gnashing them as she slipped on the bikini. The damn top barely even covered her breasts. He might as well have given her a thong and nipple-stickers. She turned to examine herself in the mirror and almost gasped.

The black of the bikini accentuated her tanned legs and the top reminded her why she always thought her breasts were her nicest features. It looked nice, sexy. She actually liked it. Not that she'd ever admit it.

Ever.

"You done?"

"I hate you."

"So you're done?"

House was grinning ear to ear as the changing room stall door opened slowly and revealed Cuddy, arms folded and looking very cross. He sucked in a breath and bit his lip, eyes widening and eyebrows raised. She flushed an angry red as his eyes raked over her body ravidly.

"WOW." Cuddy shot him a death glare and promptly snatched a handful of the swimsuits. The door shut with a snap and she snorted. As she slipped out of the skimpy swimwear and into one of the suits she selected, she allowed herself another flattered smile.

----

In the end, she decided upon getting a dark grey one-piece that tied in the back, at a lovely price of two hundred and forty dollars. Cuddy stood at the check out, and glanced at House.

"You can go on. I know it'll take you a while to get to the car." He gave her a frown and limped off. As soon as the door closed after him, Cuddy faced the checkout employee and set out the black bikini.

"Oh, and, I'd like this too, please."

"Yes ma'am."

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**Okay, wow! Long chapter! I hope it was worth your time! Um, a lot of swimwear talk going on. Just, uh, go to wikipedia and look up "swimwear". Please review! /Okay I made another change.. Thank you alex for pointing that out! Cuddy IS a fashion victim. The original price was way too low. It's actually kind of embarrassing that I didn't catch that myself. **


	4. Pass It On

**Hi guys and let me say, I am _SO_ SORRY for the lack of updates- but if it makes you feel any better, it wasn't my fault. My laptop got some sort of problem that wouldn't let it connect to the internet, and I was stuck with no way to post anything! (if you're wondering, I had to use a blank cd to get this file from my laptop to the pc I'm on currently.) Thank you so much for all of your reviews and... yeah. This chapter is nice and _long. _And out of character, as I have stated in the summary. So, yeah. Stop reading this already! You're making me twitchy! Ha-ha.**

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Cuddy never expected the lessons to be a discreet kind of thing, hell, she knew House keeping a secret was virtually impossible, especially if it involved her in a bathing suit. He would tell Wilson. In fact..

"Dr. Cuddy? Are you busy?"

She smiled to herself wryly. _Speak of the devil.._

"I'm always busy, Wilson. But come in if you must." He stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He had a file, but it was only a pretense, she was sure. Wilson held it up slightly, then dropped it to his side. "Do I even need to beat around the bush?"

"I'm kind of short on the time, so just skip to the psychoanalyzing."

He nodded. "So, you went shopping with House yesterday?"

"Yes."

"…And how did it go?"

She paused. If she didn't mention it, House would, and then Wilson would be all over her ass for keeping it under wraps. Might as well..

"He defended my ass against some bitchy employee and then turned around and stole my clothes while I was changing and forced me to try on some skimpy bikini."

Wilson blinked.

"Did you?"

"Had to."

He scoffed. "Or what, he would have just left you there? You know very well you didn't have to!"

Cuddy sighed.

"Say what you want, Wilson, but I wouldn't put it past him."

"He wouldn't have."

"Are we done?"

Wilson lifted his arms and dropped them, in a shrug. He turned to leave, but wheeled around again, biting his lip.

"Look- Cuddy, don't you think it was a little weird how fast House took up your offer?"

"He's a pig. If I went he would."

"True, I suppose, but don't you think he was a little eager about it?"

"Should I be offended?"

"The old House would have never accepted to take those lessons."

"Yes Wilson. The old House. Pre-Mayfield."

He shook his head. Wilson paused. Should he tell her? Of course he should, but in how much shit would he be if he did? Was it really worth-

"He wants to have a relationship with you! Remember when he shouted that he slept with you over the balcony all those months ago? He did it because I told him to! Because I told him he could be the man with the answers or the man with you and he chose you, Cuddy! He chose you and I told him he needed to do something big and-and that he had been throwing sissy punches because he was wary about all of this but he chose you!"

The words slipped from his mouth so fast that Cuddy could barely string them together. They hit her like a ton of bricks, but she made very well sure not to so much as flinch.

"You do realize he was completely delusional?"

Wilson made an aggregated sputtering noise. "That has nothing to do with this! I'm not saying he wasn't delusional, but he wasn't _not_ himself! He was breaking apart, cracking at the core-" he shook his head at what he was saying, his eyes urgent for the woman to grasp the concept he was so mind-blown about, even after all this time. "He was probably closer to his feelings than he had ever been during all that."

There was a long pause. Cuddy looked away, clearing her throat and adjusting the paperwork on her desk.

"I have Rachel, Wilson. I can't-"

"Can't what? Can't have them both? What is this to you? A game show? House behind curtain one and Rachel behind curtain two? Of course you can have them both! More importantly, you can be _happy _with both! You're just trying to rationalize staying away from him because you have a kid to take care of."

Cuddy squared her jaw and gave him a steely glare. "This is House we're talking about, Wilson. The people who get close to him get hurt."

Wilson opened his mouth in protest, but Cuddy turned to her work and waved her hand angrily.

"Dr. Wilson, You have a job to do."

Wilson frowned deeply and turned on his heel, closing the door with a slight snap after him.

Cuddy leaned back in her chair and rubbed her temples, deeply troubled. Her mind sifted through the information just presented to her like a starved dog through a garbage can. _Nothing's ever simple with these people!_ She thought sourly, then snorted to herself. The best solution to her problems was probably passing House a note that said "Do you like me- Yes or No?" Like she and her friends had done so many times in junior high.

----

"Dr. Wilson!" He halted at the voice, and turned. Cameron swept her blonde hair from her eyes, and held out a file. "Can I have a consult?"

He smiled and nodded. "Of course." The two made their way to his office, and she hovered at his desk as he sat down.

"Fifty year old woman, Three centimeter mass above the left lung. Has a family history of diabetes, but she's a health nut. She was running marathons just two months ago."

It was a tumor, cancerous, as she had suspected. Ten minutes after entering his office, Cameron snapped the file shut and faltered slightly when Wilson spoke up,

"You could have asked House, you know. It would have taken him half the time to figure it out." He laughed shortly, and Cameron studied her shoes. "He-um, wasn't in his office."

"Are you sure?"

Cameron sat down in one of his chairs, looking very troubled. "Wilson, I thought that marrying Chase would have stopped every doubt he had about my feelings-but he's still convinced I love him! We got into a fight about it this morning when I brought up the kid House saved last week and he pointed out that _he_ helped with the surgery too, and…" She heaved a sigh, and dropped her head into her hands.

Wilson pursed his lips.

"Well, do you love House?"

"No!" She snapped, a little too quickly. Cameron dipped her head back down and fiddled with her ring, flushing.

The man leaned back in his chair, and paused. "I don't think Chase has much to worry about."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…" Wilson leaned forward, no longer able to resist sharing the juicy news. "Cuddy convinced him to take therapy… _with her. _I think the two are finally coming towards a breakthrough."

Cameron's eyes flashed with a certain emotion Wilson was a afraid to spot. She blinked, and drew in a breath. "Breakthrough?"

"I told her that he wanted a relationship with her."

A pause.

"…He does?"

"You have eyes, don't you?"

She stammered. "Ye-yes, but, I thought it was just a physical kind of thing with them! I didn't know it was.. Serious."

Wilson made a protesting noise, "It-It's not exactly serious yet, but I've got a hunch the two won't be able to resist each other for much longer." He gave a sly smile. "After all, I've got my bow-and-arrow set."

"Good luck to you, then, Cupid."

She stood and left, and Wilson frowned slightly as the door closed.

Cameron gave a long and hard sigh, leaning against the back of her fellow employee's door. If he was cupid, she wondered if she could return the certain arrow lodged in her ass labeled "House." It was getting to be a real nuisance.

----

It was not long after Dr. Cameron returned to the ER until she was approached by one of her favorite coworkers. She was currently swabbing a rather nasty laceration on a hyperventilating boy, whimpering a little too high-pitched for someone his age. Nurse Leslie rounded the gurney, a bottle of alcohol and a big bag of cotton swabs. She set to work seamlessly, glancing up to her friend, who was clearly troubled.

"Hey," She said, in-between the young teen's high pitched squeals of agony, "You look a little down. Nothing some gossip can't fix, though!" She offered a smile, her pale green eyes sparkling. "Did you hear about Nurse Brenda's new boyfriend?"

"No, what?" Cameron enjoyed listening to the petty rumors. They gave her something to think of. Learning about how Brenda met the man because of his infected scrotum (idiot pierced it with a nail gun, apparently) was so much better than focusing on the apparently inevitable hookup of her boss and ex-boss.

"But enough on my catch! What've you got for me?" The two of them were now helping a car-crash victim, who was unconscious and bleeding profusely from his arm.

"Oh, nothing, other than the fact that House and Cuddy are going to hook up over therapy."

Cameron's eyes snapped open. She didn't just say that. Leslie's mouth popped open and split into a devious grin. "No way."

Cameron looked down and focused on cleaning the cuts on the man's body. She gave an inaudible sigh before saying, "Way."

"Straight from the horses mouth?"

"Wilson's. Which is about as close to the horse as possible."

Leslie huffed. "It's about time!"

Cameron bit her tongue as her friend rattled on. "I mean, it's been getting a little old watching him check her out every time she turns her back, and vice versa. The two need to stop wasting time, you know? Things change fast! I still can't believe she fired him after he yelled off the balcony. I mean, she should have expected it, right? I'm glad it's not going to be just a one-night-stand for them."

Several agonizing minutes of babble about House and Cuddy's blatant attraction to each other later, Leslie bustled off after another one of her gossip-buddies, going to no-doubt spread the news. Cameron was too pissed off (mainly at herself) to care about what she started.

----

House liked to think of himself as an unapproachable person to the rest of the world, save a few people. And by a few people, he really meant a few people, and not this thirty-something nurse-woman who was currently talking to him.

"You dog!" She said slyly, grinning so wide he was surprised she wasn't half-snake, or some other animal that can unhinge it's jaw in a god-awfully impossible way. "Congrats on the baby!" She said, before starting to walk off.

House did a double take, wheeling around. "What baby?"

The nurse turned around again, standing at the end of the hallway. "Didn't think word would get out that fast, eh? Everyone knows you knocked up Cuddy. And that you two and her baby are moving to Guatemala next spring."

House made such a face that would have made a schizophrenic feel logical as the nurse stepped into the elevator and disappeared. He made his way to Cuddy's office, face suddenly breaking into a deeply amused smirk. He was going to have lots of fun with this.

----

"OH LOVE MUFFIN!" House bellowed as he tossed open his boss's office door, grinning devilishly at her flustered expression as she jumped in her seat and quickly clicked out of whatever website she was on. He made his way to her couch and settled in, resting his head under his hands. "You on that Jewish dating site again? Or that Porn site I added to your favorites last week?"

Cuddy frowned. "No, I was working on a new website. It's called 'I-Hate-Greg-House'. You won't believe how many hits it has already."

"Ah. Touché."

A slightly too comfortable silence fell between the two, and Cuddy cleared her throat. House glanced at her and pursed his lips. "So, what are we going to name the baby? I'm thinking Luke for a boy and Laura for a girl." Her eyes widened.

"I'll bite. What the _hell _are you talking about?"

"The lovechild I've allegedly implanted inside you. That, and we're moving to Guatemala next summer or something." He lifted his eyebrows and gave her an open look. Cuddy screwed her face up.

"Uh…huh?"

"Yes, I know. Either we've both somehow unknowing transported ourselves into the near future or there has been some serious pass-it-ons flying around. I for one think that the latter's a little boring…"

Cuddy shook her head.

"That's lovely, House. But I've heard worse rumors about us. Now if you don't mind…" She gestured to her door and he stayed put.

"Worse rumors as in whatever was being whispered around after I announced my having sex with you, I'm guessing?" His guess was confirmed when she turned from his gaze at the statement, her expression darkening. Another not-so-comfortable silence fell on the two, and this time House broke it.

"…I'm…"

"Don't apologize.."

"I'm sorry, did you just tell me _not to _apologize?"

"Don't waste your crocodile tears on me, House." Cuddy looked down and shook her head, then added, "It wasn't your fault. You.. You thought it was real."

"Huh." House laughed curtly. "You just effectively told me not to apologize, insulted me, then accepted my apology in just a few sentences. I'm impressed."

Cuddy looked up from her desk and flashed him a real smile, something he rarely saw. It caught him off guard, and he felt something tinge in his stomach. Butterflies? He nearly fell off the couch. Lisa Cuddy making him- Him! Gregory House!- get butterflies? Oh, _Hell_ naw. Then again, it had been terribly lonely without her to bother in Mayfield…

"House? You look a little out of it." Cuddy raised her eyebrows, bemused at the man on her couch, who was just glancing down and looking rather befuddled and- dare she say it? Flushed? She gave him a sly look that was a cross between "I know what you're thinking" and "You are so busted!"

He shook his head and lifted himself off the couch. "Just… thinking about all the hookers I missed out on the past couple of months. I really need to catch up with them."

Cuddy looked back down at her desk, frowning slightly and sucked in a breath. "Lessons start Tuesday next week. Be at my place by 6:30."

He nodded, his mouth tilting downwards at the mention of the lessons, then paused. "So, uh, do you want to murder Wilson or can I?"

"You beat him down with the hardwood and I'll go in for the kill." She replied dryly, flipping open a packet of some sort and scrawling her signature at the bottom.

"Then we could clamp his lips together and carve into his back something about spreading lies."

"Okay, that's not the least bit disturbing."

He grinned to himself, and left.

----

"House." Damn. He hadn't even made it twenty feet out of Cuddy's office.

"Shoo fly, don't bother me. I've already filled my quota of meaningful conversations today." Cameron didn't budge from her position in front of him.

"I'll make it short and sweet. Why are you taking those lessons with Cuddy?"

"Why do you want to know?" He started to make his way around her, but cripples aren't exactly known for their made getaway skills.

"No deflecting. Short and sweet, remember?"

The elevator doors opened and House inwardly groaned at the fact it was completely empty. House entered it and Cameron followed, eyes determined. The doors slid shut and House let out a sigh. He looked at her earnestly and said, with all the feeling he could muster,

"Because Mayfield made me a changed man, and I've finally come to terms with my feelings. I'm deeply in love with Cuddy and I'm taking the classes because of my burning desire to spend time with her." Her eyes flashed. He stared at her.

"What? Don't think it's possible? It did sound a little cheesy. Or not cheesy enough. I should have thrown in a spout of almost breaking into tears…"

"House."

He looked at her again, easily reading the burning desire in her eyes to _know._

"Hey now. Why so caught up with my social life, anyway? I think you have better things to do, Dr. _Chase."_

She didn't miss a beat.

"Because it doesn't seem like you at all. It's an anomaly. Anomalies bug me."

He grinned despite himself. "And here I thought it was Foreman who didn't want to become me." The doors slid open and he was off, leaving Cameron to stare after him sullenly.

_----_

House threw the door to his lab open, and his two fellows and Foreman looked up. He raised his eyebrows and tapped his cane on the floor. "Before any of you say anything, No, I'm not taking any sort of class, Cuddy isn't pregnant, and I hate Guatemala. Now that you're up to date, please go spread the truth while I beat the shit out of a certain oncologist." He had just turned to leave when Taub spoke up.

"I think Cuddy beat you to it."

----

A few minutes later, House had the side of his face flattened against Wilson's office door. Foreman and Taub stared disapprovingly, while Thirteen gave a 'to hell with it' kind of shrug and joined her boss against the door.

The two strained their ears, and Cuddy's angry voice came muffled through the wood.

"What the hell!"

Then Wilson's loud, defensive tone, "I thought telling her would ease her mind!"

"Yeah, well, easing her mind put the whole hospital on a high! Cameron's gums couldn't have flapped more if she were in a wind tunnel!"

Thirteen snickered, and House fought back a grin.

"I think you're overreacting, Cuddy."

The conversation dropped it's volume, and the two doctors straightened up reluctantly. Foreman cleared his throat.

"What was that all about?"

House opened his mouth to quip something offensive back, but Thirteen beat him to the quick:

"Oh, nothing much. Just something about how Wilson didn't want to wear the french maid's outfit Cuddy got for him to babysit in."

Foreman fought the upturn his mouth was trying to take, and Taub coughed to hide a chortle. House lifted his eyebrows, with a distinguished smirk on his face. As his team turned to look at him, he shrugged.

"I would have worn it."

* * *

**I had some trouble thinking of how to end this chapter... I hope you at least got a kick out of it. Chapter five will probably be the lessons. Probably. Please review! Review and give me ideas. What kind of annoying shit should House pull on Cuddy, humm? I'm pretty open to ideas, and I'll reply if it catches my eye. **


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